im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
