I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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