you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
