Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
