apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
