I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
