apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
