I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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