Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
