my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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