This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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