i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
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I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.