Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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