i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
