My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
