Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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