Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
