yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
