im drinking this country out of the recession.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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