Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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