my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you never un-have a 4some
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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