Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
time to smoke my breakfast
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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