You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
