Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
