he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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