There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
