dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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