Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
