Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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