My liver just broke up with me...
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
