I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
we should paint friendship bongs
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