I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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