I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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