What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
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I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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