my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
