I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
