The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize