I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
