Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
