overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
