Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
