I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
