6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
