he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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