You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
