i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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