Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
