how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
