Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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