just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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