im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
