i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
honey bunches of taint.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
