In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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