I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
