i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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