wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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