You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
there is glitter all over my balls
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