nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
