last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
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The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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