Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
a search helicopter?!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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