i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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